the itis

When I was in elementary school, our music teacher would have us sing along with this tape called “Jaws of the Jurassic.” We loved it. I mean, we went mental over it. Ms. Martin could use the “Jaws of the Jurassic” tape to leverage anything she wanted. We would’ve given up recess and lunch AND stirrup pants if it meant we could listen to that freaking tape just once a month. You see, Ms. Martin was smart, and kept us hungry for the tune by only playing it on “special occassions,” like if we all sat in our seats the entire class or if she’d stayed up too late doing body shots the night before and felt like napping for the last 5 minutes of class.

Some of us even brought in blank tapes and begged Ms. Martin to illegally record copies of the song for us on our Maxells, which she so kindly obliged. On a whim, I searched out this song and found that it is still available for purchase! Imagine my luck! Except it costs $16.95 just to download an mp3 of the damn thing.  I guess for now, I’ll juse have to keep going here and playing the free clip from the song.

Was anyone else so lucky as to have a teacher who played this song for them?

My parents came in town to visit me yesterday. We went to a tour of the new Colts stadium, which could have been cool but wasn’t.

They let so many people in that, as my dad said, we were “asses to elbows.” Also, the brochure said that we would get to go on the field, in the press box, a suite and the locker room, but that was a vicious lie. We walked on the side of the field and got to walk through the visitor’s locker room. We also rode the escalator up and then down. This whole ordeal took 2 hours. Thumbs down.

Then we went to the state fair. It was my first time visiting the state fair, though I have seen the movie “State Fair” about 10 times. What can I say? I love old-timey musicals!! Needless to say, the Indiana State Fair was nothing like the movie. I didn’t have bouncy hair and fall in love with a city-slicker journalist after riding the roller coaster.

Actually, we didn’t ride any rides. I don’t trust carnys.

We didn’t have any ridiculous fair foods, either, though me and my dad considered trying the deep-fried Pepsi (explain this to me, please) for about 30 seconds.

I also missed the big block of carved cheese that I’d been itchin to see for weeks.

What we did do was see the biggest hog in the world. I fed a goat. We walked around for 2 hours - and my mother asked no less than 6 people for location - on a quest to get free IU bags. We finally found them. Mom was happy. We left.

The best part of the fair was staring at other people and judging them and taking pictures of funny signs. Duh.

I made my mom stand in front of this funny sign. Gotcha, Sandy.

WTF?! That’s a big horse.

It probably would’ve made more sense for “World’s Largest” to be in quotations rather than “hot fudge.”

He was a bad mother (shut your mouth)

Sad.

EPISODE THREE
Livin’ Real Healthy-Like

“Cookie, next time you rustle up a batch of your world-famous chili, you should gussy it up with some organic brown rice. You combine them rice and beans together, ya get a dern fine complete protein. Also, that extra fiber helps keep ya regular. Fiber, Cookie. Yessir, kinda like chaw, but you swallow it. Don’t give ya lip cancer like chaw does, neither. Says so right there on the tin, Cookie.”

Read more at McSweeney’s

Also, the fiber talk reminds me of Manch.

According to myheritage.com, there’s a 66% chance that I’m Felicity Huffman, 62% chance I’m Avril Lavigne, and 56% chance that I am Keith Urban. According to this, there’s a 94% chance that I’m a woman. It was probably weather.com that put me over the edge.